Crapolla!!!

There is a great news which will be revealed in the later edition of my post, but for now lets start with the basic crap. Lesson learned last month "Ignorance is bliss", the more you ignore people...more they want you.

So I was watching an English movie dubbed in Hindi yesterday and it is really funny the way they dub it. I mean some of the sentences doesn't make sense in Hindi or should I say the translators are really crappy.

Sentences include :-

Chalo chodo... aap batao aap kaha gaye the matha phodi karne!!!! (There is no 'AAP' or 'TUM' in english.. its 'YOU' and it sounds like 'TU')

Main dikhta gareeb hu par khana acha banata hu!!! (Abe if you are gareeb toh Khana banane ke paise kaha se aya and what is the connection between looking poor and cooking well. I guess this is the exact dialogue which RAMU used to get a cooks job in hindi movies, Ramu is the most commonly used name for a servant in Bollywood movies.)

well if you see an English movie with subtitles it is much more fun especially when they swear.

ASS HOLE - Kutte ka bacha

FUCK YOU - Suvar ka bacha

SCREW YOU - Haati ka bacha

GAY - Sumlaingic (I know...this is the actual word)

NASTY - Kamini

BITCH - Salle Kutte (Why the poor salla is always included, I have no clue)

PENIS - Ling

VAGINA - Stri ling (HA HA HA)

Well this is the funniest English video with Hindi Subtitles by WILL FERRELL, Worth every bit of your time

THE LANDLORD

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

Its not so easy to shoot with a kid and you can see they worked really hard and its certainly worth the amazing outcome.

THE OUT TAKES

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

And if this is not funny enough for you then I guess you should see the Bhojpuri version of SPIDERMAN 3

Spider man Spider man
Dostva padousi Spiderman
Jale mein uchalat sab jagah
khopadi utha ke dekho jarah

blah blah blah.

Break Time!!!

Writer's block was a term which I thought was too over rated. I mean when writers want to take a break and laze around or just don't want to write they use the term Writer's block to get away from the routine. I mean they invented this word for this sole purpose. So I was scribbling for 8 days straight for a script which I have to deliver next month and I needed a break. Lets just say I was plain bored and needed to recharge my mind for better ideas instead of the same commercial hindi movie story. (Not like I am not having fun with two losers who are going to die soon, one from heart attack in couple of years and other a stinking disgusting diabetic death, but thats a different story) The producer says " It has to be a commercial family entertainer, but it should be different". It should have comedy, emotions, drama, a little bit of fight etc. Now I am thinking where to fit this word "Different" in the producer's realistic idea of story development for commercial family entertainer, but that works in Bollywood and it brings in the money so who cares.

So today I decided to take a break and relax and completely block my mind from any thoughts of commercial family entertainer. Day started at 8 am with my workout and then a nice 'sakina ka chai'. At 10 am I was ready to do nothing and my phone rang.

Me - Hello

PP - Hi, Good morning

Me- Wats up

PP - Are you free today?

Me - Yeah

PP - You want to go to Haji Ali

Me - ok When

PP - Afternoon

Me - ok

I had lived in Mumbai all my life and had been to Haji ali only ones that was last year with PP. After I went there some questions popped into my head.

Who is Peer Haji Ali?

Who made this Dargah?

Why did he built it in the sea?

So I decided to google it when I reach home. I like old temples, dargah, churches etc. So back to googling Peer Haji Ali and his Dargah.

History of Saint : Haji Ali is believed to have been a wealthy local businessman who renounced his riches after a pilgrimage to Mecca. He is believed to have drowned and died at the place where the dargah today stands. An alternative version says that Haji Ali died during his pilgrimage to Mecca in the early 19th century. His casket floated back and came to a rest near the rockbed on the sea at Mumbai, where his devotees built the dargah. The Masjid is picturesque with a vast courtyard & refreshment stalls. It contains the tomb of the Muslim saint Haji Ali. His devotees built the mosque and the tomb in the early 19th century.

About the Saint : The saint came to India with the permission of his mother with his brother and finally reached the Shores of Bombay - near Worli or at some place opposite the present tomb. His brother went to their native place. Pir Haji Ali Shah Bukhari {R.A} sent a letter with him to their mother informing her that he was keeping good health and that he had decided to reside at that place permanently for spreading Islam and that she should forgive him. Till his death he was praying and giving knowledge about Islam to the people and devotees regularly visiting him.

Haji Ali is a handsome example of Islamic architecture standing on an island. In fact, this holy place is visited by many devotees as well as visitors who are attracted by the beauty of the site. The widespread belief is that whoever prays to the deity here is never disappointed. A number of pilgrims come here for thanksgiving. Pir Haji Ali's Shahs sister also followed her brother's footsteps and became his companion in ascetic suffering. There is a mausoleum built for her a little distance away on Worli Bay.

History of Dargah : This monument has been sentinel to the shores of Bombay since a long time. 500 yards into the sea from the shore. The dargah was built by Haji Usman Rangikar, the man who owned the ship that took pilgrims to Mecca.

The road leading to Dargah from Lala Lajpat Rai Rd up to the gate of Haji Ali Dargah Complex was constructed in 1944, The building called Kawwal khanna, Ladies rest shade, Laterine and the Bldg for resident presently called Mashriqui and Maghribi manzil and the gate of Dargah Complex was constructed in between 1948 and 1982.

The Dargah and Mosque was reconstructed, remodeled and renovated between 1960 and 1964. The new sanatorium building was constructed by demolishing the old ground floor structure for sanitarium between 1978 and 1982. Widening and increasing the height in between 1984 and 1990 reconstructed the road leading to Dargah from Lala Lajpat Rai Marg to the gate of Haji Ali Dargah complex.

The Kinara masjid was also developed and reconstructed from time to time on the space available since last 300 years.

So now we know... atleast I know.

Doobie Doobie Doooo!!!

So today is Independence Day and the thought that comes to my mind is when we got it, we were clueless. Our reaction was "Oh shit, we are Independent now.. what next"? Anyways we didn't know what to do and after 61 years of sudden Independence we still don't know what to do, except for few people who are really trying their best to uplift our image.

And there are few losers who have no clue how to uplift themselves and spend most of their time on being anonymous and posting comments on people's blog. Most of these people have a very similar low life, have a wife who they marry for money and then fabricate a scheme of not liking her for stupid reasons and by mistake pass on a sperm or two after they decide to get separated and that is what I call backup plan or Plan B. Plan B - I can't live with you, but I need the money so I accidentally (err) make you pregnant, so that I can get more money out of your purse "honey". The separation story goes on around the bush to get fresh meat on the bed of course and some dumb, married and not so dumb girls fall for it.

Dumb - Because they are dumb Duh!

Married - well friend's wife is the best bet.

Not so Dumb Girls - Oh well they just like the attention, money and a car seat under their sweet little backside.

So as my soap goes further it reveals that the man(what should I call him.. lets say 'Doobie') has a company started off with 3 partners and then reduced to two. The other being a best friend is not always a good choice when the "not so dumb girl" hates him. So Doobie kicks him out and the other stupid people in the office don't realize that he can drill a hole in their backside as well, if he can do the same to his very old best friend. The conclusion.. they won't learn because they like to kiss the Doobie ass. There were only few people (Extremists) who made Doobie cry and they raise their head high always forever. Oh btw even the 'Not so Dumb Chick' also makes him cry so I guess it was not a very great feat.

Exact words

In a meeting (A routine everyday with no outcome)

Doobie and his Pet (stained teeth) "These two people will never get their money from this office"

After a month they had to give them the money - Victory for the Extremists

Doobie (in front of our friends) "You can kill me but I will not give his money" almost started crying - Victory for the extremists

The extremists didn't wanted to waste time on a shit like Doobie so they went on with their lives and doing pretty well for themselves. The part money which Doobie didn't give was the only profit his company made till now. He might have given it as a deposit for the "not so dumb chicks" rented apartment or might take some diabetic pills for himself. I like Sancha Ice cream and heard the apartment opposite Sancha Ice Cream shop has a deposit of one Lakh and Rs. 20k rent, Oh nah lets try for 15 k.

So now this loser Doobie doobie do is, search the extremist on the net, drink some sugarless coffee and write anonymous sentences which are truly wastage of words or may be its the Stained Teeth.. Who cares. Amazing story but Ekta kapoor rejected this because it is not a woman oriented soap though I said I have a "not so dumb Chick"!!! and we can show some harmonic Imbalance on Doobie and grow some breast on him (though I don't think it is needed, he was born with man breasts). Then we can have cat fight of Doobie and "not so dumb Chick".

So anyways I had 5 minutes to write and I can't waste any more time on Doobie now.

Culture Shock

Today I was sitting as usual, staring at the computer screen and thinking. I realised that how thinking has become an integral part of my life. All I do is think, and think sincerely of all the absolute nonsense in this world and through these nonsense comes some unusually stupid ideas for creating concepts which might turn into some kinda movie or TV show. I know there is nothing better than nonsense in Indian television right now anyways. If you are assuming that thinking nonsense is easy, then you should try and you will go crazy when all the nonsense turn into some kinda sense and all of a sudden you realise that it is a part of your senseless life which was a nonsense in the first place.

What If my name was Jignesh, imagine the life I would be leading at this moment. Instead of typing here, I would be counting money in some shop which my dad owns, wearing colorful shirts and flashing a Pulser to woo all the girls living in my colony in my free time which is after 10 pm when the shop closes, or I would be still completing my CA and working for a firm trying desperately to finally finish it this year. Imagine if my name was Harbhajan Nair, how would I be? My mom would be Punjabi, my dad would be from Kerala, I would be a joke everyday and a culture shock for rest of the people who don't get the joke.

When I was leaving for Toronto, Canada, I was told that you will get a lot of culture shock as you don't know their culture and stuff. I went their and started speaking in their accent(Thanks to HBO and Star Movies) and they were in all kind of shocks. When I told them that I am from India, their reaction changed from :-

Indian - They ride the elephants and eat monkeys (Courtesy Indiana Jones) and of course our family business was riding bullock cart, they came here and learned driving cabs. That is all we do, we shift, migrate and travel our whole life on bullock carts. Oh yeah we also dance a lot in every occasion like wedding, engagement, birth, death, riding bullock cart, peeing, while labor pains, when diagnosed with cancer or Aids, bungee jumping, or when just plain unconscious.

To

Indian - They speak better English then us and they wear clothes!!!

So anyways I was talking to a very good friend of mine about relationship and stuff. She is my favorite friend and I call her Pani Puri. We were walking and our focus went to this flower shop with new bouquets arranged exotically.

PP - I like those big petal flowers.

Me - Whats the use, it looks better on the plant then being ripped off their glory.

PP- Yeah but people have money, no time and always in rush so...

Me - So they can gift the whole plant with the flower and the kundi (Pot)

PP - When I buy my house I will have a small garden in my balcony with all beautiful plants.

We were passing by the Mandir and there was a flower shop there (gonde ke phool wala)

Me - I will get those mala if I have a girl friend on valentines day. Then take her for a cutting chai and then to a dhaba for dinner.

PP - How romantic that will be?

Me - No Instead I will take a Cauliflower. That will be flower and dinner and if she wants some chocolate then I can sprinkle some chocolate chips on the cauliflower just for that magic touch.

PP - She will leave you forever.

Me - If she doesn't then she truly loves me for who I am.

How dumb I am, I wish God had made a woman who can fall for the cauliflower trick. Nothing else but it will be easy on my pocket.

Adios